


out of my bones

by Neffectual



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-12 21:30:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4495425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neffectual/pseuds/Neffectual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humanity is being slowly built back up; their relationship slowly breaks down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	out of my bones

It’s over. After so many years, fighting their way back against the titans, it’s over, they’re free, and the human race has a future and a promise once more. The walls still stand, but perhaps greenery will grow over them, perhaps the walls will reclaim them as humanity streams out from the gates like rats out of alleyways, back to reclaim their world. The titans are gone, and with the threat against humanity no longer looming, some of the Corps are taking the time to get to know each other, to hold hands among the ruins of older villages, to take each other dancing, or out for a meal. Food is still scarce, of course; it will be a good few years until they get some proper crop rotation sorted out, but there’s a sense of celebration to the vegetables and stodgy bread, nonetheless. So for some, the rise of humanity brings them closer together – but Erwin and Levi find that it’s just pulling them apart.

Perhaps it was born from desperation, maybe they only fell into each other’s arms because they were lost and afraid and thought they were going to die, but for whatever reason, the heart has gone out of everything. They are quiet when the realisation breaks over them; lovemaking unsatisfying and bodies no longer feeling comfortable entwined. Levi’s heart doesn’t race the way it used to, Erwin’s smile no longer reaches his eyes, and passion is something long dead, faded into the dust. When civilisation fell, their love rose, and so too, the same thing is true in reverse. Rebuilding towns and cities, spreading back out into villages at a distance from the walls, people become further away, and what was once all they could think about is pushed to the back of their minds. They part as friends, equals, former lovers and compatriots, and try not to look back on how much of their history is bound together like strands of yarn.

Erwin has had lovers before, passing ones, those who stayed, and Levi, who was everything and all for a small amount of time. He steps from that partnership into another; another soldier, a compatriot who knows the things he’s seen and gone through, who fought at their sides and with whom he feels he can be who he is. Commander no longer, he wants peace and quiet, a chance to follow rather than lead, and a rest from being the one to make all the decisions. He’s still in control of some of the rebuilding efforts, of course, but there are no ranks in social situations, and he finally gets to sit back and let someone else do all the work. He loved Levi, certainly, but dragging out the end had felt worse than losing the arm, and he’s always preferred a clean break to an aching wound. Having cut off ties, he settles himself into something new, and doesn’t let himself feel anything about the years where Levi nestled so close to his bones and was the only one keeping him alive.

For Levi, it’s different – he’d never been with anyone before Erwin, though he had never been short of offers, and after so many years with one man, it’s difficult when the touch is so different. The hands on his hips are softer, or rougher, bigger or too small; they are not the hands of one who knows him inside out and can find every sweet spot with unerring accuracy. He goes from bedfellow to bedfellow, trying to find something that makes him feel as good as Erwin did, someone who can learn his body and his moods just so, but there doesn’t seem to be much hope. Those he fucks never stick around, are never given the option, and he finds himself longing for the familiar again, the comfort of Erwin’s arms, where he knew exactly who he was, and thought he would be that person forever.

When they have to be brought together for meetings, arrangements to do with parades and other frivolities, Levi is short with all of them, especially Hanji, and Erwin’s hand is on the small of his new partner’s back the whole way through. Somehow they get things done, slowly, and with plenty of arguments, but no one dares to bring up that maybe the split has ruined something irrevocably in their little group, and that things might never be quite right again. Those on the periphery tiptoe around it, Erwin already sewing seeds of doubt and Levi refusing to speak about it, like being quiet will make it all just go away. It didn’t work with the titans, and it doesn’t work with people, but they’re determined to try it anyway, determined to close down their thoughts and build walls around them.

Medal ceremonies are the worst, standing next to each other and having to smile and wave, and Levi aches to hook his fingers beneath the straps of the harness Erwin no longer wears, just to pull him a little closer, just to have him nearer for a moment longer. Erwin tries not to ruffle Levi’s hair, doesn’t lean on his shoulder with a mocking smile, and just keeps staring straight ahead. The space between them may as well be an ocean, and Levi is striving to fill it with as many people as he can, to teach himself the way that others hold his body. Erwin has filled it with a new lover, bigger and quieter and everything Levi could never be for him, and they’re both gripping tight to those who hold them in the night as if holding a wound to stop the bleeding. Humanity is free, and yet Levi has never felt more trapped, Erwin never felt more useless, incapable of keeping Levi safe from any of the choices he might make – while Levi knows that he’s already made the only important and wounding choice.

They split as friends, as equals; ex-lovers and previous partners, their hands falling away from each other and the space between their bodies growing; the last touch a cup of Erwin’s hand around Levi’s jaw, before they both turn away. The world is so full of possibilities, but this is never going to be one of them again, and it galls that this is so. They saved it, they made it possible for humanity to come out from behind the walls, took away the fear and the terror, but, Levi thinks, some people don’t get their happy endings. In the story, some people are bound for the end, their prince, their crowns – and some do all the hard work and get no credit, get pushed out of the story for wand waving and the magic of imagination. The mistake they made was thinking that they were the main characters just because they were doing important work. Now, that work is over, and they are no longer needed, so they no longer need each other. Levi turns, for one last look, and Erwin meets his eyes, and the saddest part is that neither one of them is truly upset. Whatever happens, happens, Levi says, and Erwin nods. You were in my bones, but now – now I am truly free.


End file.
